6 Years To Live
by Jessica Ushiromiya
Summary: Umineko No Naku Koro Ni. It's a crackfic, I'm too lazy to write a summary.


Little 12 year old Battler Ushiromiya and his family had finally arrived on the lovely island of Rokkenjima. When they all settled into their rooms, Battler and Jessica were given the option to go play outside. Of course they both agreed, wanting so badly to look at the island's surroundings. They were both warned though, to not go to the forest for there was a powerful witch there. Frightened, the children nodded their heads and walked outside.

"Ne.. Battler...? Do you r-really think there is a witch in that forest?" little Jessica questioned.

"Nah. That's just a bullshit story like Hansel and Gretal to scare kids so we stay in line. Everyone KNOWS magic doesn't exist, duh"

"B-but! What about Disney? Everything is magical there!"

"...The only thing 'magical' disney can do is turn their actresses into total skanky hoes... Like Britney Spears! But shh.. We're not supposed to know this yet,"

"Oh, right... It's only 1980, gotcha."

"Er.. Anyways... Now I'm going to PROVE to you magic doesn't exist. Follow me." And with that the young Battler Ushiromiya marched into the forest, Jessica tagging along.

Finally they got up to a gated area in the woods. Jessica whimpered a bit, "I got a really bad feeling about this," she said softly as Battler attempted at climbing the gate. "This isn't trespassing, Jess! ALL OF THE ISLAND BELONGS TO OUR GRANDFATHER!"

"Sure he didn't rent some of it out? Like to some black people or something?"

Battler shrugged as he finally got to the other side of the gate. "Oh, hell... what will a black person do to me?"

"Shank yo' ass," Jessica replied with a neutral expression.

"...Ah... True... But I'm pretty sure grandpa is secretly racist, so it's aight... Now are you coming or not?"

"...Kay..." Jessica then climbed up the gate and went to the other side. "This better be good though.."

As they walked, they noticed a tea set on a table, Battler grinned deviously at this.

"Alright... so if there is a witch..." he said as he strolled over to the tea set, holding his hand back. "She'll fix... THIS!" he then back handed all the tea cups causing them to shatter on the ground and break.

Jessica winced and covered her ears. "AND THIS!" Battler smashed a chair. "AND THIS!" Battler punched a watermelon. "AND THIS!" He went to punch Viva Pinata but he started to talk in Dan Green's voice "Whoa! I can grant you each a wish if you don't break me..."

Battler put his hand down. "Whoa... really?"

"HAHAHA PSYCH!" Just when the Pinata was about to run away, Jessica put on her brass knuckles and beat the shit out of him.

"...God I hated Viva Pinata..." she muttered.

"Yeah, me to-" Battler was cut off when a loud shriek of pure horror hit his ears.

"MY GOOD CHINA! MY FAVORITE CHAIR! MY BIGGEST GROWN WATERMELON!" the female that was speaking looked over at the pinata that Jessica pummeled, when Jessica noticed the female looking at her she immediately hid her brass knuckles and whistled innocently. "Viva... pinata!" tears swelled up in her eyes as she then glared at Battler.

"I'M GOING TO BEAT YO' ASS!"

"Ohshi-" Battler then grabbed Jessica, and did a super mario jump over the fence.

The blonde female raced to the gate and yelled out, "REMEMBER THIS, KID! BEATRICE THE GOLDEN WITCH WILL BEAT YO' ASS IN 6 YEARS... AND YO' FAMILY'S ASS, AND YO' FAMILY'S FAMILY'S ASS! THIS IS YOUR SIN, THIS IS YOUR SIN, THIS IS YOUR SIN!"

"Dayuuumn, Battler... You were just told," Jessica said.

"Hey, you're screwed too..." Battler retorted.

"...Oh, right."

When they got back to the mansion, both were exhausted from running and decided to call it a day, they went back to their bedrooms and napped.

The whole time Battler was asleep, he had dreams of a short blond-haired girl with a pink lolita dress that kept following him everywhere counting down the days until he died. When he awoke he found the girl next to his bed, yelling loudly,

"6 YEARS, 5 HOURS, 10 MINUTES, AND 15 SECONDS UNTIL YOU DIE~ OHOHOHOHO!"

"Yeah... This isn't weird at all. Shut it, you crazy cosplayer... I'm trying to sleep," he grumbled as he turned to the side.

"6 YEARS, 5 HOURS, 9 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS UNTIL YOU DIE~" she yelled even louder.

Battler took a pillow and put it over his ears as he tried his hardest to fall back asleep.

For years the girl with the short blonde hair followed him around yelling the time of when he was going to die, of course after all the years.. Battler FORGOT why she was yelling it.

"3 YEARS, 2 HOURS, 3 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS UNTIL YOU DIE!"

"Sweet Jesus! Will you just shut the hell up and leave me alone! I can't get laid with you around, I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, I can't listen to music, I can't do ANYTHING ANYMORE. It's even awkward taking showers when you're RIGHT THERE!"

"Psh... shut it, you have no real dick, anyways. Y'know I really was going to help you try to remember your sin. You're going to need this stuff later. But you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make you forget everything and put false memories into your head. Sorta like what happened in Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories... Only much worse."

"Oh, yeah, like you can really do anything..."

"Every time you try thinking about 6 years ago... You'll only think of the time you walked in on your dad and step mother getting it on. It'll be your only memory. But I'm adding a few twists to it, to make it ten times worse."

Battler stood there in shock, his mouth a gap. "W-wait... Uh.. Don't you think we can work things out?"

"Too late, plus I already have more lives to ruin besides your's.. I don't have time to throw you a pity party," she took out a map and began muttering to herself "Hinamizawa.. Hinamizawa.. Ah.. Here it is. Well.." she looked up at Battler. "Good luck, fire crotch!" and with that the girl disappeared.

Years later Battler had completely forgotten the girl, the annoying yelling, and the blonde chick that said she'd beat his ass. He has arrived on Rokkenjima again with his family, who he was excited to see again. As he went into the mansion he looked to the side to see a picture of a blonde woman in a dress, the same blonde woman who threatened to beat his ass. Of course he didn't remember any of it and shrugged.

*********LOLOLOL TIME SKIP!***********

"Why... why did you kill everyone? No one deserved this..." Battler looked at the ground at his dead parents, his dead uncles, his dead aunts, Barney the Dinosaur being mauled by a robotic cheetah, then looked back at Beatrice. "WHY!"

"Because, of your sin, Ushiromiya Battler. This is all YOUR fault..."

"What the hell is my sin?"

"... God your memory fuckin' sucks, does't it? Remember 6 years ago?"

Battler started trying to remember and all he got were visions of his dad dressed up as Cyndi Lauper as his step-mom, Kyrie, was GIVING IT TO HIM up the pooper with a strap-on. "WHAT DO GIRLS JUST WANT TO DO!" Kyrie screamed at Lauper Rudolf. "G-GIRLS JUST NN... WANNA HAVE F~U~U~U~N~!"

Battler then turned his head and started vomiting all over the place. "Oh... oh my god..."

"What the fuck is your problem, red? Do you remember your sin and you're so disgusted with yourself that you vomited?"

A smirk pulled at the corners of her lips.

"N-no! The images... the images! AGHHHHHH!"

Battler suddenly had a seizure, a stroke, bad case of the hives, and somehow he mutated and got sickle-celled anemia all in one. Until he just combusted into flames and exploded.

"...riiiiiight..." Beatrice stared at the pile of ashes that was Battler. "Ugh..." she snapped her fingers and Battler appeared. "I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL YOU. Don't do my work for me!"

"Fuck you, hag! If your father dressed up as Cyndi lauper and got buttfraeped by a chick that looks like a lesbian, you'd be the same way!"

Beatrice stared blankly at Battler. "..What?"

"I USE TO HAVE THE BIGGEST DAMN CRUSH ON CYNDI LAUPER... BUT THEN I WALKED IN ON...ON *THAT*. I can't even listen to her songs without wanting to puke and kill myself! SO DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP MY PAST OF 1980!"

"Stop being a pussy and stop angsting. Your not Shinji fuckin' Ikari and this isn't Neon fuckin' Genesis. Because if it WAS I'd have a mecha and it'd be MUCH EASIER to kill everyone."

"True..."

"Now Ushiromiya Battler... Maybe I'll spare you and your family and take you to the Golden Land... If you say Magic exists!"

The song "Do you believe in magic" started playing in the background.

"Hm... This song is pretty catchy, but it's not making me believe in magic..." Battler muttered.

"How about I put on the 2005 Radio Disney Aly & AJ version?"

Beatrice snapped her fingers and the Aly & AJ version began to play.

"Disney + this song = YOU MUST BELIEVE!" Beatrice yelled.

"UGHHH... There is no such thing as Disney magic!" the record screeched to a stop as Battler yelled that out. "But I would like to know how you retrieved a song from 2005..."

Beatrice grinned widely. "Magic!"

"Bullshit! I bet you and gramps have been working on a time machine... Yes... You're just all evil scientists... IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!"

Beatrice stood up, getting rather pissed. "Do you think I'd be on this damn island wasting my time killing you idiots over and over again if I had money and advanced technology? And as I said... I think I'd have a MECHA if I did!"

"Actually.. yes..I think you would kill us over and over again. Because you can get away with it..! Scooby and co. could NEVER figure out this mystery!"

"AHAHAHA. That's the most idiotic assumption you've had, Ushiromiya Battler!"

"PROVE THAT I'M WRONG!"

"Er.. uh.. um... I'm not wearing glasses! If anything you should be accusing Ushiromiya George as an evil scientist that's supplying us with everything!"

"What do glasses have to do with anything?"

"All smart characters wear glasses, duh."

"Oh, right... SO YOU JUST GAVE IT AWAY THEN! GEORGE, YOU, AND KINZO ARE THE CULPRITS!"

"I-I... Never said that was true! I just said it'd make more sense!"

"Hey! You never killed George, did you? He's ALWAYS been alive... THANKS TO HIS ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY... RIGHT!"

"Uh.. er...!"

Meanwhile... somewhere on a boat in the ocean, George Ushiromiya was kicked back, sipping a drink with a little umbrella in it. "Ah... They'll never know it was me... The bomb should be going off in ...5...4...3...2..."

He looked over at the island of Rokkenjima as it bursted into flames.

"Look, Bill! Fireworks..~" he said as Bill Gates glanced from his laptop to see the island exploding. "This reminds me of Modern Warfare 2..."

"Oh I love you Bill~" George gushed over Bill Gates as they sailed off into the sunset.

Meanwhile... somewhere in the Afterlife.

"I fucking hate you, you know that..." Battler grumbled.

"Oh c'mon... He offered me a DS and cooking mama! COOKING MAMA! I couldn't resist, but I never thought he was going to blow up the island..."

"Yeah, well.. he did."

"Eheheheh..."

End.


End file.
